Worried

I have a 23-year-old daughter who is in her third year of medical school. She has always been levelheaded about most things but has little experience in the relationship area. Recently she met a man four years older than she. He is working, stable and seems to be a very nice person based on what she has told me. The problem is he is not educated. He joined the military right out of high school, served for four years and is now working for the federal government.

In some ways I feel that one's educational level should not matter. In other ways I feel that attending college rounds you out in ways that can't happen without that experience. My daughter is somewhat uncomfortable about the disparity in educational levels, and my husband is quite upset about it. His feeling is that we have put too much of a premium on education in our family for my daughter to even consider dating someone who is not college educated. Any thoughts on how we should deal with this?

Worried

Dear Worried:

I suspect and hope that your daughter's final decision will be based on the intensity of her discomfort, or lack of it, regarding this man's level of education ... not on her father's. I will tell you this: While college can often enhance a person's intellect and social abilities, there are other ways to acquire that kind of polish. A number of people without a college degree read a great deal, get along very well and sometimes even go back to school.

For a few hundred years we’ve assumed that a college education translates into a better, happier, and more productive life. Studies clearly show that, in general, a college education leads to economic success, despite the fact that most of us can name a few dozen millionaires, maybe a billionaire or two, that never made it through college. There are those who say that individuals who are destined to be successful will be successful with or without a college education. While that may be true, at the same time for most people there is a proven relationship between college and income. The higher the degree, the higher the income. But higher income does not guarantee a happier life.

Compatibility, shared interests, similar values and expectations are as important as sharing common educational levels. Besides, learning for all of us should be lifelong.

I would suggest you and your husband refrain from being any more vocal about this issue than you already have been so your daughter can figure things out for herself, which is the way it needs to be. Sometimes parental "guidance" has the opposite effect from what is intended. Should your daughter bring up the subject, and ask your advice, feel free to discuss the subject. But if she doesn’t, your best alternative is to trust that she will make the best decision for herself. Her proven level headedness should serve her well.