Worried Aunt

I have a younger sister (early 20s) who has a daughter out of wedlock. She's living with the father (they're not married), who is unemployed (and always has been) and occasionally violent. My sister lives in another state about four hours away. I hear from other family members about my niece's deplorable living conditions. There are fears that the deadbeat father is selling drugs out of the house, among others.

I'm seriously considering moving out of the area to be closer to my sister in the hopes that I can get her and my niece out of this situation. People have told me it's not my problem and I shouldn't uproot myself. I feel like there's nothing more important than family and that if my sister and my niece need me, I should be there. I am financially stable enough to help my sister leave her boyfriend and get my niece out of the situation to the point of becoming her custodian, if need be. What do you think?

Worried Aunt

Dear Worried,

Keeping your niece safe trumps all. Are you certain she is not in immediate danger? If she may be, a call to the Child Abuse Hotline office that handles the niece's area should be your first step. If the unspecified conditions the niece is living in are truly "deplorable" and the “occasionally violent” father may be dealing drugs out of the house, among other fears, forget the sister for the moment; someone needs to get her daughter protected NOW. The saddest, sorriest words in the whole world are "if only I had helped sooner." If that little girl is living in conditions where there is abuse and violence, she needs an out. It may be dangerous to wait until you move and try to intervene.

What are you going to do if your sister refuses to leave her boyfriend, or give up custody of her daughter, or let her daughter move in with you? At that point, you will need outside help. Child protective services can forcibly remove a child from a dangerous situation, where family members cannot.

Be assured that child protective services almost always places children with family members, unless none of them wants the kids or there is some reason they would be unsuitable. Obviously, if you are willing and able, it would be an incredibly generous act to step in and help your sister leave, and if necessary offer a loving home to your niece, whose chances for a happy, nurturing life are almost certainly nil under her present circumstances. Even if your effort fails, it would be heroic.

Child protective services are under funded and overworked, but they are the best and frequently only hope for kids caught in abusive circumstances. Child Abuse Hotlines:

Iowa – 800-362-2178 Illinois – 217-785-4020 Minnesota – 507-437-9701

Missouri – 573-751-3448 Nebraska – 800-471-5128 Thank you for caring.