Dear Miss SmartyPants,

I am dating a wonderful guy, “Tony”, who is perfect for me in every way but one – he has a 10-year-old daughter who, frankly, I am not interested in.  It’s not her fault.  “Lara” is cute and sweet and thinks I am very cool.  Little does she know how “cool” I am toward her; she does not know how I feel, and I intend to keep it that way.  They are very close to each other, and I think that’s great, and I’m not trying to come between them.

Tony and his ex divide their time with Lara about 50/50.  When Lara is with her mom, Tony and I see each other a lot – I have an apartment within a 10 minutes drive of his house.  When Lara is with her dad, I join them once in a while on an outing or for dinner, but mostly stay out of the way.  This works well for me, and Tony accepts it, though he would like me to be around more when he is with his daughter.  I am not into the Mom thing, and I enjoy my time with Tony so much more when it’s just the two of us. 

In 7-8 years Lara will be off to college, and I am looking forward to having Tony all to myself.  I know, that makes it sound like I am jealous of his time with his daughter, but that is not the case.  I really am happy he is such a good father, and loves to spend time with her.  It’s just that … I don’t.

Do you see any reason why our present arrangement cannot be maintained for the next few years?  After that, I am hoping Tony and I can live together, maybe even get married.

Willing to Wait

Dear Willing,

You say he accepts it.  If so, and if you are fine with the present circumstances and don’t ever want to become a stepmother, AND if you are certain Tony is not just regarding you as a Friend with Privileges, then I think it is a realistic plan.  It is a bit disturbing that you are looking forward to nudging a 10-year-old out of her father’s home so you can monopolize him.  Plus, despite your denial, Lara will certainly catch on to your feelings. 

What is NOT realistic is your notion that in 7-8 years, Lara will be out of the picture.  She will still need her father, just in different ways.  She may be away at college, but she’ll be home holidays and summers, still staying alternately with her mom or dad, I assume.  Even when she completes her education, she may be around a few more years until she becomes established on her own, perhaps by age 25, perhaps sooner.  Or later.  The point is, she will always be Tony’s daughter.  By removing yourself from his life when he is with her, you have put yourself in a background position, rather than part of the family.  If this doesn’t bother you, or Tony, then fine.  But please keep in mind that it’s a lifetime position you have chosen, not a temporary one.