Tormented

I’m in love with my married boss. I thought it would get better with time, but it’s getting worse. We had two minor physical encounters about four years ago, decided it was a bad idea, and returned to our just-professional relationship. My personal life has been a mess since then and I know it’s because the way I feel about him makes it impossible to date anyone else meaningfully. Please don’t suggest I look for another job. I’ve worked incredibly hard at carving out THIS job, which is very meaningful to me. I provide OB-GYN services to an underserved, at-risk population and my boss is the chief of staff of the clinic. After delivering hundreds of babies, I just don’t want to leave. I have many repeat patients and it would be tough for them to find someone to replace me.

Tormented

Dear Tormented,

Have you gotten any counseling? I know, I know - that sounds like a one-size-fits-all cop-out answer, but hear me out. Some problems can be solved by other means, but you need to get to the root of why you find yourself in such a frustrating situation. It possible, of course, that counseling could just turn into paying someone to hear you talk about your lovesickness, but it just might help you see why you’re so hung up on one person, and maybe even why you’re hung up on this particular person. Maybe you admire this man greatly, and think that if you are intimate with him you will absorb some of his marvelous qualities by osmosis or something.

It could be you have fears or doubts that are expressing themselves in your pining for things you can’t have. Perhaps you are in love with impossible relationships as a way to dodge responsibility for your choices. Being needed could be a way of rationalizing that you are justified in staying in situations that are not healthy. It may be a sign of being disconnected from one’s self and purpose.

It could be this guy fills a perceived need in ways that you never fully realized, and figuring that out will enable you to address the need and at least weaken your attraction to him. Even if that doesn’t turn out to be true, talking to someone can help you figure out some creative alternatives to resigning yourself to this fate. That is pretty much what you’ve done here: you’ve decided that you can’t have the guy, can’t move on, and can’t leave the job. I can recognize two “can’ts” that involve choices, and that right there gives you room to maneuver, and room to improve.

When you stick to the idea that nothing can change, you don’t allow yourself to think about what you actually want, what you can actually do, and which among your realistic and available options you’d like to pursue. In fact, it becomes habit and even natural to feed that narrative. It becomes your “normal”. It’s a very self-defeating way to think. So please try to work through all that with a counselor who may help you to understand your fixation, expand your thinking, and guide you to a better life.