Told You So

Ten years ago my (then) best friend married a woman who was beautiful, but controlled his every move, isolated him from his friends and even his family, manipulated him to buy her an expensive car, furniture, and clothes, and lied to him throughout their marriage. They have one son who is a good kid, 9-years-old, smart but very shy.

She filed for divorce last week after having an affair with her wealthy boss, and she is moving out of state with the boss, leaving my friend stuck in a really nasty custody battle.

We grew apart some during the decade (not hard to imagine why) but I am trying really hard to be there now to support him since most of his support system was eroded by the ex. How do I get past the urge to scream I TOLD YOU SO!? Okay, don’t worry, I won’t be the guy to say that. But I won’t be surprised if someone else does – we all knew she was big trouble, and he couldn’t or wouldn’t hear us when we tried to warn him.

But how do I get him to see this as a new start instead of the end? And that poor kid … what is all this going to do to him?

Told You So

Dear Told You,

You are getting your friend back and your friend is getting his life back – or, at least, as much of it as the courts grant him.

These are causes for celebration, not told-you-so’s – which you already obviously know. While it will be difficult to listen to tales of fallout knowing exactly how preventable the fallout was, you can make those sessions easier by reminding yourself that a lot of good friends/supportive families never get to see their loved ones escape the clutches of a control freak. He, and you, received a gift in the form of this wealthy boss.

In a way, so did the child. I realize neither is a given, but IF your friend is granted at least partial custody, and IF he remains emotionally glued, then the child has a chance to experience one healthy home in his life. Just a glimpse of such a home can be the beacon he needs to remain on course through what will no doubt be a difficult youth.

As for your friend, there’s no way to “get him to see” something he doesn’t or isn’t ready to believe. However, don’t discount the importance of your belief in your friend’s “new start.” When that’s the lens through which you view the next stages of his life, you enable him to see them that way, too, just through the regular, unselfish, consistent give-and-take of your friendship. Just by being, come to think of it, the way his wife apparently never was.