I’ve been married for more than 30 years to an extremely wealthy man who, for the last six months, has been seeing someone else.  He doesn’t know I know.  To tell the truth, I’m not all that surprised, but I am hurt.  The kids are gone, and my husband and I no longer have anything in common. Any passion he and I felt for each other died long ago.  I have my friends and charities and visits to the kids to keep me busy, and he has work, golf, and now a girlfriend to fill his time. 

I don’t even think I love him any more, but I must admit I am comfortable in the life his money has provided for me.  I have resigned myself to looking the other way because I haven’t worked in over two decades and, frankly, I think I’m much happier now than I would be alone.  Can you give me any good reasons why I shouldn’t continue to use him for all he’s worth?

The Wife

Dear Wife,

There may be little to love and respect about your husband, but you must love and respect yourself.  Be honest about your situation: You’re afraid of being poor.  You don’t want to be alone, but you ARE alone already.  Instead of letting fear confine you to a loveless, faithless, passionless marriage, begin by protecting your financial future.  Ask around to get the name of a good divorce lawyer.  The lawyer will recommend various ways for you to figure out your husband’s worth.  He/she will no doubt suggest that you snoop around to uncover proof of your husband’s assets: mortgage payments, bank and investment accounts, life insurance policies, yearly income, his will, etc.  Find out whose name the assets (including cars and houses) are in and what you can put in your name.  But do not tip your hand, or he will lawyer up and you’ll never find anything.

Do not feel like what I am recommending is crass or beneath you.  Every woman, even if she is in a good marriage, deserves to know where she stands financially in the present, and whether she can expect a decent lifestyle in the future.  Of course, a woman in a good marriage probably already knows where she stands, and can discuss it with her husband.  This is one luxury you do not have.  After all, your husband is obviously not above lying to you and cheating on you.

And though the idea of reentering the work force may seem scary, look at this as an opportunity for a new and more enriched life.  If you and your lawyer play your cards right, you will come away from the marriage with some decent money.  Make plans to do something you’ve always wanted to do – like working part-time in an industry you like, or volunteering your services for something that’s important to you.  Expand your horizons.  Turn this into an opportunity for a more interesting, stimulating life.  Being independent can be wonderful and liberating!