I met Arthur when we were university students and we instantly knew we were right for each other.  Everything looked so promising for us, and we now have a nice home and two great children.  I find my job fulfilling and interesting, enjoy a small circle of friends, and do volunteer work for the church.  My life would be so enjoyable, but I find myself at the kitchen table late at night, tearfully thinking about my life and the current state of my marriage.

My friends and extended family don’t know, but for the past nine years I have been suffering because of Arthur’s longstanding depression.  At first I thought I could “jolly” Arthur out of his dark moods, but his gloom would not be so easily dismissed.  Our family physician and I finally managed to convince Arthur to seek treatment.  After a number of false starts, he is now taking his medication “fairly” regularly and seeing a therapist “almost” every week in a nearby town.

Over the years, I have had to make excuses for Arthur’s absence from community and even family functions.  Often, I’ve been reluctant to leave him at home alone with the children, since he seems incapable of providing the kind of supervision I believe is necessary given his low energy level and preoccupation with matters best put behind him.    

So, I carry on and fix the kids’ lunches and put on a happy face.  But I have a hard time recalling the last time Arthur and I shared the kind of quiet exhilaration I knew with him when we first met.  I have no intention of leaving him; I do love him.  But I would like to know if you have any thoughts to help me cope.

Suffering in Silence

Dear Suffering,

The first and most important thing you can do is to remind yourself that Arthur is ill – not hostile, not stupid, not out to get you, not stubborn, not any of a dozen unfriendly things you might feel like calling him when you are at your wits’ end.  Depression can happen to anyone, and is nothing to be ashamed of.  Diagnosed depression is much like diabetes or heart disease from the perspective that it is a chronic illness that requires special attention and considerable patience.

Patience of this magnitude is a tall order.  It will help if you have a good friend, a supportive family member, a pastor, a therapist, at least one other caring person in your life to listen to you and help to shore you up during the hard times.  Recovery from depression often takes longer than the ill person or the people surrounding him think they can stand.  You need to be strong and healthy for your own sake, and that of the family.  So please don’t try to carry the load alone.  You need someone to be in your corner!