Snubbed

I am unhappy to report that my in-laws don’t seem to like me very much. When they come over, or we visit them, they are full of conversation with my husband, and coo and make over our new baby, but they rarely do more than give me a nod. I don’t believe either of them has actually initiated a conversation with me. I always make the first move, only to get the briefest of replies in answer. They have always been this way, but I was hoping that once the baby came, they might thaw – after all, I am their only grandchild’s mother. I was visualizing us as a happy family, sharing our joy in each other and with the baby. That part is working fine with my parents, they’ve been great. But what can I do about my in-law situation?

Snubbed

Dear Snubbed,

The first thing to do when someone’s behavior puzzles us is to try to see things from their angle. Maybe they are uncomfortable with you because they perceive you as being very different from them in one or more ways, and they either don’t approve of those differences, or find them threatening, or just off-putting. Maybe they are always cool to people outside their immediate family, and it’s just something you will have to learn to live with. Maybe they don’t think you (or anyone else) are good enough for their son.

Have you talked with your husband about this? Does he have any suggestions, is he willing to approach his parents and defend you, and ask that they try to get to know you? He has known them all his life, he may have insights or helpful suggestions as to how to cope with their unfriendliness. But he may feel like he needs to defend his parents’ behavior, so use your best judgment as to how to approach the subject.

If your husband is supportive of you, and does what he can to improve the situation, you have already have an ally and a loving family unit, with or without the in-laws. But if your husband becomes defensive and argumentative on this and other controversial topics, you may have a bigger problem on your hands than frosty in-laws.

All that being said, consider this: When your in-laws visit, take advantage of the precious time you have available to pamper yourself, alone or with friends. As a new mother, you can always use some time to yourself, whether it’s shopping, grabbing a latte and reading a good book, or – sleep-deprived as you probably are, taking a nap.

Relaxing in the knowledge that your baby is being well taken care of, you can leave him/her for an hour or two, and still be home in time to nurse, or tuck baby into bed, or whatever. You do not need to feel like you must entertain your in-laws the whole time they are there. Your husband and baby are entertaining them plenty. So relax, consider this to be a bit of free time you can latch onto. Turn what feels like a negative into a positive. Remember the lemons/lemonade thing? Stir up a batch, and sip at your leisure.