Singleville

Just recently broke up with my girlfriend of six years and even though we have never lived together, she refuses to accept the breakup. I'm being blamed for ruining her life and more, then in the next breath she's willing and planning to wait for me to figure out my feelings and come back. I told her not to, but she insists it is her choice and would rather have that than nothing at all. I would be her friend (yeah, I know) because I think she's basically a good person and I do love her, but I've lost the affectionate feelings. It's not right to continue the relationship under these circumstances besides not being fair to her or me. She's angry and hurt, which I totally understand, but how can I be there for her when she wants more than I willing to give?

She's not working right now; it's been a month or so. Says that I'm abandoning her, now she'll be alone, will never have another relationship and it's my fault. My kid left for college last year and hers leaves this fall. I'm not with anyone else, so basically she's hearing I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with her which is kind of true. I feel horrible about hurting her this way. What do I do now? I would "be there" for her in every way possible except as a boyfriend, but since I'm not, I don't think she would turn to me for help. I don't think she would hurt herself, but I also didn't think she would react this way either; not that I expected it to be easy.

Singleville

Dear Singleville,

Wow. She is working you over, hard. This is not your fault, you are not abandoning her, you are not responsible for the rest of her life. You owe her an honest, firm, compassionate breakup. If you've met that obligation, point your horse toward the sunset and giddy.

Okay, let’s say you have treated her badly, and wasted six precious years of her life, leading her on and causing her to miss other opportunities only to drop the bomb when your kid left home and you’re free to play the field. Let’s say this is a vulnerable time for her, if her child is leaving the nest. Let’s say her distress is genuine, which it probably is. Let’s say you’ve been opportunistically using (as long as it's convenient) and dumping (when it is no longer).

Even if all that were true, which of course, I have no way of knowing, I still don’t think she has any right to berate you for ruining her life. I mean really. If your behavior wasn't model by anyone's definition, it's still her life, her set of choices, her responsibility. If you treated her poorly, then she should say, "You treated me poorly," and then point your horse toward the sunset and whack it in the butt. And then get on with her life, which should include a period of introspection to help her see where things went awry.

If, in fact, things went awry. There's also a good chance you didn't mistreat her at all, and your feelings just died, like feelings sometimes do, and so, oh well. People (men and women, young and old) get used and dumped all the time. They also get loved genuinely and outgrown and dumped. Same answer: Oh well, get on with life. Blame is an ugly, corrosive thing.