Shut Out Parents

Our 15-year-old son has three answers to every question. “I don’t know.” I don’t remember.” “I’m not sure.” How can we get him to participate in a conversation? This is an ironic problem, because when he was a toddler, he jabbered nonstop!

Shut Out Parents

Dear Shut Out:

It is not unusual for parents to feel left out of their teenagers’ lives, as I’m sure you know. Part of the job of being a teenager is to pull away from parents and become more independent. This can lead to all sorts of situations while the child experiments and samples, but it is a necessary step in developing a confident and self-sufficient person.

Still, there are some things you can try to get a little positive verbal communication going on between the three of you. The key point is to open yourselves to your son’s thoughts and feelings without being judgmental. This is not about airing your opinions, but about learning his. Discussing some things you may have in common is a good start.

But you can’t have anything in common with your son if you never do anything with him. So plan some activities for the three of you. Also plan one-on-one times with dad and son, and separate one-on-one times with mom and son.

What can the three of you do together? Go to a movie or play. Eat out. Take in a sporting event. Vacationing together is one of the best ways to share time and interests.

One parent and your son could go fishing or hunting, or build something out of wood. Work on a car, or maybe build a gasoline-powered model plane - then fly it together. A camping and/or biking trip could be great fun. Go to a jazz concert. Go canoeing. Visit an historic site, planetarium, or museum. Learn a new board game, plan a photography outing, go skiing. Whether enjoying a family activity, or a one-on-one, ask if he’d like to invite a friend sometimes. Get to know his friends, too. Be open and friendly to them.

If you as parents share some of your interests, you all will have lots to talk about, and the son may develop a few life-long hobbies, or even be exposed to possible career choices.

Try to have dinner together at least 3 nights a week. No hand-held devices. While at the table do not ask, “How was your day?” unless you want the shrug and “It was o.k.” response. Instead, ask specific questions: “What is the craziest thing that happened in the bus/hall/classroom today? Which teacher said the most interesting thing? What was it? Why did you find that interesting? Who asked the goofiest question in class? How did the teacher respond? How would you have responded?” Expand on HIS ideas and opinions. Listen attentively, non-judgmentally, as you would to a friend. You will gain understanding of your son as he opens up. And some of his stories will be really funny!