Sabataged

My mother-in-law is a real sweetie and I love her dearly, but I dread the upcoming holidays because she always want to entertain at her house, and she absolutely pushes food on people until they are so full they about bust a gut. Some people, my husband for instance, loves it that she is such a good cook and that she insists everyone eats A LOT. I’m not just talking seconds here, I’m talking thirds and fourths! Well, he can afford to eat like that – he’s a string bean. But I cannot.

I fight a weight problem, and have been on a diet the past six weeks that seems to be slowly working for me. I know she will do her best to sabotage my best efforts, as she always does, and when I refuse seconds, she will pout and cajole and make me uncomfortable to the point that it makes me feel angry inside. In the past I have eaten way more than I wanted, and then felt guilty. But I feel guilty rejecting her food, too.

This is a no-win situation for me, and pretty much ruins my get-togethers with my husband’s side of the family. I want to turn the situation around once and for all, but don’t know how to do it. Any advice?

Sabotaged

Dear Sabotaged,

It seems we have two issues here. I suspect that your mother-in-law is one of those people who equates food with love, and when you “reject” her food, she feels like you are rejecting her. The second issue is, she appears to be a controlling person with little or no empathy for your situation.

I suggest you enlist your husband’s help. He needs to understand the position you are put in at the family gatherings, and he needs to agree to be on your side. So explain the situation to him and ask him to help by both of you sitting down with his mom on a separate occasion before the holiday events, and explaining to her that, though you love her to death, you need to be the one to decide how much food you will eat.

If she pouts or protests, you husband must say something like, “Mom, that behavior really is not helpful in this situation. Please respect my wife enough to treat her like an adult regarding how much she eats.” In other words, it should be your husband who nips the controlling behavior in the bud. Both of you should give her hugs and tell her how much you enjoy her cooking, and the time you spend with her. Be loving, but firm.

Another suggestion is to have more get-togethers at your house, where you can control how much food you (and others) eat. Frankly, the scenario of everyone eating 3 –4 helpings sounds grossly unhealthy – kind of like an ancient Roman food orgy. They used to vomit to make room for more food - it was a standard part of the fine dining experience. I certainly hope that is not the case at your mother-in-law’s holiday dinners. Incidentally, the Roman vomitorium was not a place to vomit, but a theater passageway.