Regretful

I am writing to you in response to “In A Bind”, who several weeks ago wrote that her marriage was going down the tubes because her husband wasn’t paying enough attention to her. She liked the attention he had given to her early in the marriage, but felt that he was bossy, arrogant, overweight, lazy and controlling. She also mentioned that she had children with this man. She described the relationship I left several years ago for very similar reasons. We were married for more than two decades and had three children. I was absolutely miserable being married to a man who I don’t think ever really “saw” me or wanted to be with me, except to have sex. I had sacrificed my career for this man and made several moves to further his careers. Our evenings consisted of me cooking big dinners, and us waiting for him to come home so we could eat in silence, except for the chatter of the children. He would get up from the table and retreat to the basement for hours in front of the computer. I spent the rest of my evenings making sure the children were done with their homework and ready for bed. I finally decided that there was nothing left to stay for, and that the kids and I would be better off without his gloomy, arrogant, and cold personality.

What no one ever told me was that leaving him did not mean that my children were going to be with me as much as I wanted them to be. No one ever told me that maybe the children would want to spend a lot more time with their father than I thought. To make a long story short, I have spent the last few years watching my ex immediately start dating other women, one of whom turned into a live-in girlfriend who I feel does not have the best interests of the children at heart. Instead of being able to instill more of my own values into the children, I have actually lost a significant opportunity to do so; and disciplining is nearly impossible when the ex and his girlfriend are not on the same page as I, and are not willing to back my punishments. My divorce was expensive, and in addition my ex has been spending money (unlike before) on lots of expensive toys to have around his house rather than funding the children’s college funds. Both of us lost many friends and the rest of the community looks at our family as dysfunctional.

Take it from the voice of experience, “In A Bind”. Go get the counseling you need with your husband, or go alone. Tell him how you feel and take a good look at yourself. Work hard at saving what you have, because things will get incredibly hard if you give it all away. When your children get married, your child won’t have both parents together on their side of the aisle, but you will have the uncomfortable feeling of seeing your ex-spouse with another person, knowing that you probably could have tried a lot harder to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, for me it is too late.

Regretful

Dear Regretful,

Thank you for your poignant, powerful letter. Anyone contemplating divorce should read it to learn that leaving a spouse might not improve one’s life. I wish you a better life soon.