Dear Miss SmartyPants,

I dread Father’s Day coming up.  Mom always invites me and my 2 sisters and our families for a big cook-out at her house.  Everyone brings potluck and the whole party is to honor my dad.  Well, I don’t honor my dad, and my siblings don’t either.  But they go and act like they’re having a great time, just to please Mom.  I have always tried to do that, but it is very difficult, and I don’t feel like being a phony again this year. 

Our father was abusive verbally and physically to all of us kids, and to varying degrees we still carry the scars.  He’s slowed down as he has aged, but I cannot forget or forgive his treatment of his family when we were young and defenseless. 

Why Mom has stayed with him I cannot imagine, because he was even worse to her.  But that is her decision.  They got divorced years ago, but she lets him live in the house, she cooks for him, does his laundry, etc.  Everyone thinks she’s a saint, but I think she’s a doormat and an enabler.  I guess I love her, but I sure don’t respect her. 

I am tempted to spend Father’s Day with my wife and our children, doing something we would all enjoy, and skipping the big “family” gathering.  In fact, I’m considering telling my father I don’t care to ever see him again.  If I did that, it would kill my mom.  But frankly, she did nothing to protect us from his angry outbursts and belt whippings.  She pretends we had a Beaver Cleaver upbringing, and is completely in denial about the truth.  Maybe it would jolt her into a little reality if I denounced him.  Any thoughts?

Ready to Cut Bait

Dear Ready,

My sympathy to you and your sisters on your rough experiences.  Your bitter feelings toward your father, and to a lesser degree toward your mother, are understandable.  But now YOU are the angry one, and that is an unhealthy burden, physically and mentally. 

You cannot change your childhood.  You have no control over other people’s behavior.  But you can learn to accept the reality that is your past, and come to terms with it.  If cutting your father out of your life helps you to get there, it might be necessary.  You have already thought about what the repercussions would be for your mom.  Have you thought about how your sisters would feel?  Would it cost such a rift that you would lose them, too?  Are you willing to risk that?  How about whatever the relationship is between your kids and your side of the family?  If it is good, do you want your kids to lose it?  

I think it would be beneficial for you to talk to a professional to help you sort through your feelings – in fact, therapy could be beneficial.  The sins of the fathers – and the mothers – have filled volumes.  But you should be the author of the rest of your life.  Please don’t do anything rash without careful consideration.  That said, if you, your wife and children skipped the family gathering for another activity, the world won’t end.