Puzzled

We mailed the invitation three weeks before the deadline, planned what food to serve, decorated our home indoors and out, ordered the flowers, and are looking forward to entertaining 30 people in our home for a festive holiday appetizer/dessert buffet with full bar. We even hired a young man to run the bar, and his girlfriend to help serve the hors d’oeuvres, so we can enjoy our guests. This is costing my husband and I much in time, effort, and money, but we are excited, and believe it will be fun for us and our guests.

The problem is, I have received responses to the RSVP from only 6 people, and the deadline was 3 days ago. Now what do I do? Do I have to call the people who haven’t responded to see if they plan to come or not? I need to have a head count to know how much food to prepare, and liquor to buy. I don’t think my parents ever had this problem.

This is really frustrating, and I’m surprised at the rudeness of our friends, all of whom are well-educated and should know better. This is the first major party we’ve given since getting married, and I’m wondering if it is a common problem or what? Any thoughts?

Puzzled Hostess

Dear Puzzled,

Unfortunately this IS a common problem. While I would be tempted to take the 6 who responded to dinner at a nice restaurant that evening (it would be cheaper and easier), and let the others show up to a non-party, that is not really what I’m going to suggest.

I think you will need to call each invitee. RSVP in French is Respondez S’il Vous Plait. Many people do not know that it means, in English, Please Respond. That means they should respond whether or not they can come. I think some people today misinterpret RSVP to mean Regrets Only. If they plan to come, they don’t respond. That is so wrong.

There could be something else going on here which is even ruder. Perhaps some people are waiting to see if they get a “better” invitation for the night of your party (though I can’t imagine what could be “better” than the party you are planning.) And “well-educated people who should know better” are perfectly capable of being inconsiderate.

I don’t like to encourage caving to the lack of social etiquette, which is widespread; your problem is just one example. But perhaps for your next party, on the invitation you should put “Please let us know whether or not you will be able to attend by (date).” It’s wordier than RSVP by far, but it should be clear to everyone, though I’d be willing to bet you will still end up calling some people. It just seems to be the direction we’re heading.

Parents, please take this as wake-up call to teach manners to your children. It will help them every day of their lives. Proper etiquette is not an old-fashioned waste of time. It is employed to smooth interactions between people, and is more necessary today than ever.