Once Bitten, Twice Shy

So I met this woman with whom I am infatuated, and I think she likes me too. But the problem is, she recently got out of a five-year relationship, and is not interested in getting into another one right away. I told her I would like to have a meaningful relationship with her, but she says she needs some time. She did say she wants us to stay in touch.

Is it ever worthwhile to wait around for someone? I have been hurt before by wanting someone who was unavailable, and do not want to go through that again. I think she is a good person, and is not just stringing me along. But I guess I am feeling self-protective, and I don’t know where to put these feelings while I wait to see if she will change her mind. I wish she would date me, even casually, to see if she might develop feelings for me, but she’s just not ready yet. Am I just asking for a world of hurt again?

Dear Bitten,

The only sure way to know you’ll never get hurt again is to never care about another woman again. I’m not going to recommend you become a hermit. Besides, surely you have learned something from your prior experience. Are you ignoring some of the same signs that you ignored before? Or does this feel different, as if there is genuine potential with this woman? If you do not see warning signs, then keep yourself open to that possibility by proceeding slowly, patiently, and wisely.

Her “Let’s stay in touch” may be a genuine desire to be your friend, with the option of the friendship developing once she has dealt with her present circumstances regarding her old boyfriend. She has indicated she needs space, so you must let her have it. But, be aware that “Let’s stay in touch” may be a brush-off, and she has no intentions of going out with you. Since you do not know which is true, what do you do until you do know?

Like any other risk management … diversify. You live your life for yourself, with her as a potential yet unknown part of it. Instead of focusing on one person, surround yourself with people whose company you enjoy. Don’t moon around waiting for who knows what, who knows when. Keep her in your mind, sure. If the opportunity to have coffee with her comes up, take it. If you are able to talk with her now and then, and see if anything is going to develop there, go for it. Check in with her like you would with any platonic friend. But do not give her any more importance that the circumstances deserve.

Curb your desire to jump into a relationship before the other person has come to the same place. This is inviting the hurt that you fear. She has let you know she isn’t in a place to even think about romance with you. If you need to be in a romance RIGHT NOW, do both of you a favor and look elsewhere. But if you can be patient, and live a full life that includes others, you will feel better about yourself, and will be a more attractive person to everyone ... not just to the object of your infatuation, but possibly to a future love interest.