On The Fence

Say you're a freshman in college, significantly unhappy, with a history of depression and an eating disorder, and you'd like to move back home, a thousand miles away, where you think you might be happier. But part of you would like to stay at school in the "big city" to try and tough things out, because you really WANT to be independent and you want to like where you are. I don't really like the school I'm at, but the city makes up for it; the school I'd transfer to back home is a wonderful liberal arts school, but it's 30 MINUTES from my parents' house. I’m afraid if I go home, I may feel like a failure, which would probably be enhanced by my smothering parents who love me dearly but don’t have a clue.

So, I'm not asking you to decide for me (duh, only I can do that), but do you have any suggestions? Pearls of wisdom? Decision-making guidelines or questions I should consider? ANYTHING! Thanks a lot.

On the Fence

Dear Fence Sitter,

Yup, you’re right, only you can decide. But maybe we can help you in your decision-making process. Let’s take a look at both options: staying at a school you don’t really like that is located in a city you do like, or transferring home to a wonderful school near your too-protective parents.

An important consideration is to give yourself permission to choose the best school for you, personally as well as academically, given your personal goals and limitations. The bravest acts are the ones that involve a willingness to do what works, regardless of how it may appear, instead of climbing whatever mountain Other People or even your own biases might say is the more impressive challenge. So, while you may feel that you'll be somehow more worthy if you "tough it out," it takes big guts to admit that a place isn't for you, whether your depression factors in or not, and that another, possibly more nurturing place might be better for you at this time.

On the other hand, you are only a freshman. The first year is overwhelming for everyone. Unless you believe your health is at risk, you might want to stick it out one more semester and see if things get better. Your health is the deciding factor, but you should make sure that, even if you are feeling okay, you have really good support at school before making any decision that resembles toughing it out. That support might come from friends, a counselor, psychiatrist, etc.

Please don't get hung up on the proximity of your parents. You won’t be living with them, you’ll be living at school. There is no reason to visit them any more often than you want to: say, holidays and summer break, which you would probably do anyway. Something becomes a crutch only when you lean on it more than you genuinely need to. Keep in mind that part of making difficult choices is recognizing the difference between a fixed limitation and one that you could get past if you are willing to work harder. There is a fine line between knowing yourself and looking for an excuse. Examine yourself - Quitters tend to know when they're quitting.