Dear Miss SmartyPants,

 My husband and 7-yr.-old son want to adopt a baby monkey!  Ever since we visited a zoo and had so much fun laughing at the monkeys playing and watching us just like we were watching them, they think it would be a hoot to get one as a pet.  I am afraid a monkey would be smelly and noisy, and I just think it’s a bad idea in general.  What do you think?

 No Monkey Business

Dear No,

I think that is the most monkey-brained idea I have heard in a long time, to put it bluntly.  I don’t blame your son for wanting a monkey – he’s a kid, what does he know?  But a grown man should know better.  Since he doesn’t, ask him to consider the following:

A monkey may seem like it would be a cute and cuddly pet.  But the cuddly baby will grow larger, stronger and more aggressive.  When they begin to display their normal and instinctual behavior as they mature, monkeys become extremely difficult to handle and can be stronger than humans.  Biting and scratching can be natural behaviors for these animals, and are not eliminated by captive breeding or the love of a surrogate parent.

A pet monkey cannot be raised like a human.  These animals require unique care, including a specialized diet, companionship of other nonhuman primates, and appropriate housing.  Plus, primates who are hand-raised by humans are severely deprived of appropriate models for their natural behaviors.  The average pet owner cannot provide for these needs.  The monkey ends up in a small cage, or is sold and resold in the booming exotic pet trade.  Or it may be taken to one of the very limited number of sanctuaries capable of providing adequate car for primates, stretching scarce resources even further.

Consider the health risk.  Monkeys carry a number of viruses as well as fungal, bacterial, and parasitic diseases that can pose health risks to humans.  There is also concern about simian viruses getting into the human blood supply (such as the newly-discovered simian foamy viruses).  Almost all macaque monkeys naturally carry the deadly herpes B virus, which can be transmitted to humans through body fluids, scratches, and bites.  Humans also carry a serious health risk to monkeys, via the transmission of pox viruses, tuberculosis, hepatitis, and meningitis.

Think you can train that monkey to behave?  Despite attempts to train these animals, their intelligence, independence, and strength puts them in control – they determine whether they want to “cooperate” or not.  Their careers in show business are frequently short-lived because even professional trainers have difficulty handling them without using negative training methods.  Trainers and people who attempt to keep them as pets must use physical discipline, and attempts to neutralize the danger can be inhumane.

Besides, it’s illegal to import monkeys into the U. S. for the pet trade.  Get a cat or a dog, an animal your family can love and care for.  Tell your husband,  “No monkeys for you!”