Nervous

Here are some “Don’ts”. Don't equivocate, blame, condescend, lash back if the fiancelashes out, or say you want to be friends. Don't just drop your bomb and run - your fiance will likely want and need to discuss - but don't belabor it either; if the conversation starts going in circles, say you think it's time for a break and that you can talk again tomorrow. That will give him a chance to digest the news overnight, and sort out what he wants to say.

Do be honest about your reasons, short of being cruel. "My feelings aren't as strong as they used to be" vs. "you don't do it for me any more now that I've lost all respect for you." Oh, and do give back the ring. It is not a gift, it is a symbol of a union that is no longer going to happen.

Keep in mind while talking this weekend that you DO owe it to him to cut it off gently yet firmly. Any wishy-washiness on your part may give him hope. And do not let guilt make you allow this to take up too much of your life. If, as you say, he is a needy person, he may not accept that it’s over. He could try to hang on long after you think you have broken it off. Do not let this happen. You will not owe it to him to keep talking about it ad infinitum into the future.

Here is another letter related to this subject, where the dumper DID drop the bomb and run:

I was dumped by my fiance of two years, and it is a lesson in how NOT to do it. He told me, "I don't think I want to get married," outside a restaurant where we had just eaten. He drove me to my place, dropped me off, said goodbye and left town for two weeks. No discussion, nothing.

A few days after he got back I went to his home to talk with him about the break-up, but he couldn't give me any specific reason other than he didn't want to get married to me anymore. It is horrible being treated like I can't handle the information, it’s so condescending. I think he was worried I'd go ballistic. It seems he put his own comfort level ahead of my need to discuss it. My therapist said this type of desertion is actually more traumatic than if the person had died.

Deserted

Dear Deserted,

At least he didn't go through with marrying you because he thought you couldn't handle a breakup! It actually happens. I see your therapist’s point because this involved a conscious choice by someone, whereas death rarely does.