Dear Miss SmartyPants,
I’ve been dating this great guy for a little over a year. We live in the Waterloo-Cedar Falls area, but I grew up in the east, where most of my family lives. My sister is throwing a big 50th birthday party for my dad, and of course I’ll be flying out for that. I'd love for the boyfriend to come with - but he really doesn't want to. Which I can understand - he says he doesn't want to spend the money for a couple days of feeling a little uncomfortable being around my family. He has met my parents before when they came to see me for MY birthday. I know they and my sister and brother and their families would love to have him - my family is very welcoming and have always treated my friends warmly.
So I say I understand his point of view - but why am I ticked off inside? When we discussed it, he said the only reason for going would be me and it wouldn't be a big deal if we spent a couple days apart. He didn’t go home with me for Christmas either. At that time he accused me of not being considerate of him because I refused to stay in town and spend the holiday with him.
I'm kind of hurt he doesn't want to get to know my family better and that he was perfectly willing to spend Christmas alone in order to avoid that interaction. Now he is begging off again, even though I offered to pay his airfare. He says his not going is not a reflection of his feelings for me. I can't help but think that it sort of is, despite what he tells me.
Please make me feel better: send me a symbolic slap and tell me I'm overreacting. I'm starting to worry that our values regarding family and special occasions are completely different.
For what it’s worth, I am in my mid-20s, he is in his early 30s and there is no pressure to marry, live together, etc. I just want to spend special family times with him.
I'd appreciate any thoughts you have on this matter.
Lonely Traveler
Dear Traveler,
Thoughts: that "he said the only reason for going would be me" is why you're upset, because it hurts that making you happy isn't reason enough, which, if true, is something he needs to hear ...
… and that spending money (whoever’s money) to travel to be with your family just might not be his idea of a vacation, which is something you need to try to appreciate objectively before you take his decision too personally. I know "alone on Christmas" sounds like a drastic move on his part, but to some people, a little solitude, compared with two days of relative strangers, is like a big golden box of Godivas.
It is great for you that you enjoy spending holidays and special times with your family, but perhaps it’s a tad unfair to expect your boyfriend to feel the same way. Does he expect you to spend special times with his family? Just asking. If so, you two have some compromising to do. |
