Dear Miss SmartyPants,

I'm a 15-year-old girl and have a twin brother. I really love my dad, but he has little interest in doing things with me. He spends lots of time with my brother every weekend, taking him to ballgames and playing golf and tennis with him, and they go on camping trips in the summer, but he never invites me. I recently got up the courage to tell him that I would sometimes like to be included, but he said that a father and son need bonding time, and that I should be spending more "mother-daughter" time with my mother.

I'm really more interested in doing the kinds of things my dad and brother do together, and my mother is not interested in them. And we do spend plenty of "mother-daughter" time anyway. He is a good father, and I don't think he understands how much this hurts. My brother has all kinds of souvenirs in our room, which are a constant reminder to me. How can I make my dad understand that spending time together is just as important to me as it is to my brother?

Left Out

Dear Left Out,

A pat on the back from a stranger is no substitute for the approval you crave from your father, but here it is anyway: You express yourself beautifully. Clearly, directly, gently, and your point is well made.

You already tried talking to him, with no results. So try this: Clip this column and slide it under Dad's bran-flakes bowl. He needs to see, in your own words, how badly you're hurting. And when he sees that this is important enough to you to ask an outsider’s advice, hopefully that will make some kind of an impact.

Just understand beforehand that if he responds, you might not hear what you want -- and, even more important, that it might not mean what you think. People do what they do for all kinds of reasons. Unfortunately, it's human nature to think we know the reason, to think WE are the reason and to think it's our fault. Keep an open mind, but don’t let him off the hook. You deserve to have the kind of interaction you crave from your father.

Should he ignore the column, and not bring it up, ask him if he read it. If you end up with pretty much a non-response, you may need to bring in the troops. In other words, ask your mom and brother for help. See if Mom will talk to him. She might suggest an activity that you two and Dad could do together, while she and your brother pursue something they would enjoy together.

You could ask your brother if he minds if you go along next time to the ballgame or to play golf. If he agrees, ask if he would mention it to your dad. I’m not talking about ganging up on Papa, or trying to make him feel guilty. He shouldn’t be made to feel defensive – that would be nonproductive. Just loving, gentle suggestions from the other members of the family. After all, what is family for if not to support one another?