My daughter is 15, and wants to get a tattoo on the small of her back.  She is absolutely fixated on the idea of a bird flying from hip to hip right above her backside, where it will show when she wears her tight tops and low-cut jeans.

I think it sounds like a trashy thing to do, even though I know it is popular with lots of teen girls to get tattoos these days.  To tell the truth, I’m not even too crazy about the skimpy clothes, and her middle being exposed for the world to admire. But that seems to be the fashion, doesn’t it, what can I do?

She has a darling figure and beautiful skin, and I just think she would be cheapening herself with this tattoo.  She’s already saved up the money, and her big thing is it’s her money and her body, so I should butt out.  I don’t want her resenting me for not letting her do what lots of the other girls are doing.  I know how important it is to fit in at that age, and be considered cool, or whatever.  

Her dad just kind of shrugs and lets me make all the decisions about what to let our daughter do, so he’s no help.  Besides, it’s possible that if I say absolutely not, that she will go crying to him, and get all cuddly, that he’ll take her side and overrule me anyway.  That has happened before.  He’s a real pushover for her.

I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle here.  Am I overreacting to the tattoo?  

Insecure Mom

Dear Insecure,

The way you signed your letter tells it all.  You obviously ARE insecure in your role as the rule-setting, in-control mom.  The alpha dog in your household appears to be your daughter.  She sure knows how to manipulate her parents.  

You and your husband should be a parenting TEAM.  Even if you disagree in some areas on how to raise your daughter, work out your differences and always present a united front to her.  One parent should NEVER undermine the other’s authority.  Your daughter is playing Dad against Mom, and should not be allowed to continue to do so, for her own good.  So, BOTH of you, step up to the plate!  

Being a parent is not a popularity contest.  Until your daughter is 18, you and her father rule.  If you don’t like the way she dresses, don’t let her dress that way.  The battle is never lost, as you seem to think.  Reverse the action on the playing field.  Kids need, even secretly want, rules.  She is still a kid, not old enough to decide what is best for herself in all areas.  Yes, she should be allowed to make some decisions for herself.  But that does not include, in my mind, disfigurement.  It is irrelevant what other girls may or may not be doing.  Just say no!