Dear Miss SmartyPants,
I have a bad attitude toward men after my last 3 boyfriends turned out to be jerks. In all three cases, the relationship started off great. But gradually things started to change, and the guy would become critical of me. I was never physically abused, but started hearing about how stupid I am, and that I need to lose weight, blah, blah. Not only that, but I was lied to, and quite probably cheated on. So you can see I have major trust issues, and am very insecure.
I am seeing a counselor, and she seems to be helping me, but these feelings of inferiority are deep-seated. You would think I would be off men completely, but amazingly, I now have a boyfriend who is really good to me. You might also think I have a talent for, and maybe even an unconscious desire to choose the wrong guys, but in my present boyfriend’s case I have struck pure gold. Not in money, but in sweetness, and understanding, and compatibility.
The problem is, I sometimes get paranoid and start questioning him, asking for reassurance of my attractiveness, asking what it is he sees in me, etc. I know it is wrong to do this, because he doesn’t deserve getting the 3rd degree, but it seems I can’t help myself. He knows about my past history, and assures me he loves me for all the right reasons. Later I apologize, but I’m afraid I’m going to drive him away with my insecurities. Why can’t I just accept this gift of a wonderful guy without questioning it?
Insecure
Dear Insecure,
Well, you’ve been traumatized, and that is not an easy thing to get over. I’m glad you are getting professional help, that’s crucial.
You are wise to recognize that your paranoia is not healthy for your current relationship. But it is fair for you to ask him to help you gain the strength to deal with it. Tell him you trust him, but have this baggage that you are trying to deal with, and you don’t mean to take it out on him. Explain to him that when you do slip, you are not accusing him of anything, you’re accusing the ghosts.
That doesn’t mean that either of you has to deal with the ghosts forever. Concentrate on enjoying this fine man in your life, plan fun things to do together, be silly and playful. You’ve been through an extended dark period, now it’s time to lighten up and enjoy the fact that your past is past, your future is ahead, and it is up to you to create a better life for yourself. If your boyfriend is part of that, lovely. Whether or not your current relationship becomes a permanent one, you have the right to a happy, fulfilling, meaningful rest of your life.
Don’t hesitate to rely on family and friends, as well, to help you gain confidence. |
