Happily Childless

My husband and I have made a conscious decision not to have children; we are in our early thirties and have been married eight years. Our reasons are personal and well thought-out. Some of the reactions we have gotten to this decision would curl your hair. One of the more benign comments was from a woman who told me she thought it was selfish to decide not to have children, because it is our duty as human beings to carry on the generations. Hm.

My siblings have kids and comfortable lives, but they seem to take our decision very personally, as though we’re saying that we think it’s a mistake for anyone to have kids. We don’t, and we love our nieces and nephews, but we hear comments about how the love of a son or daughter is unlike anything, parenthood is more rewarding than anything we could possibly do, and so on. Then, on the other hand, they act martyred about the sacrifices they make as parents and tell us we will never know the burden they carry. It’s irritating because they chose to have kids, but we aren’t going to argue with them.

Any theories as to why people feel free to pry into our personal lives by asking about our childlessness, and then are so judgmental when they learn why? What does it matter to them whether we reproduce or not? It seems to be a real prejudice.

Happily Childless

Dear Childless,

I am as mystified as you are by the rudeness displayed when people think your private lives are their business. And frankly, I think the carrying-on of generations is in enough hands – 12 billion or so, to the point where we need to concentrate on feeding them all. But that’s a subject for another time.

I do have a couple theories as to why people who choose to have children may be uncomfortable with those who make the decision to remain childless. But first, let’s consider it is would-be grandparents who are doing the disapproving. I kind of understand that, but even then, it is their job to accept the couple’s decision, support the maturity it takes not to produce unwanted kids, and deal with their disappointment privately.

As to the others, there are people who tend to lash out at things they don’t understand. And some people may be speaking out of envy, though they probably don’t consciously realize it. They may perceive that couples who are purposefully childless usually have more money, more time, and less worries than they would if they had children. Perhaps that is what is bugging your siblings.

But you said something else regarding your siblings, that they may think you are saying it is a mistake for anyone to have children. If they think that, this begins to makes sense. Your childlessness gets processed as a criticism of them for having kids, which your siblings take personally, and which gets hurled back as criticism of the childless. It boils down to their fear of what they perceive as criticism, perhaps mixed in with plain old jealousy. This is solipsistic on their part, but that’s not a rare affliction.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to use that wonderful word. In philosophy, solipsism is the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist. My use of the word is closer to the second meaning: extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one’s feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.