Dear Miss SmartyPants,

"Jenny" and I were very best friends in high school. After graduation, I went away to college. She didn’t go to college, but moved to a large city about an hour away, and after a while our contact dwindled.  She didn't call me much, and I didn't call her much. For no particular reason, at this point I haven't seen or spoken to Jenny in four years.

I was shocked recently to find out that Jenny got her 2-year-old son taken away from her for failing drug tests and suspected gang affiliation. I also found out she is working as an exotic dancer. I'm extremely concerned about her health, safety and well-being. I don't have her current contact information, but I think with minimal effort I could get it.

I am now 29 years old and married. My husband and I own a home, and have good jobs. We are currently expecting our first child. We have a lot to lose, and I am worried about making contact with a person who is a drug user and (suspected) gang member. I'm worried about putting my family or my job at risk by reaching out and associating myself with her. On the other hand, I'm terrified that one of these days I’ll read that her body was found in a gutter. I would feel so guilty for not having tried to help.

Should I possibly sacrifice my family's safety to reach out and try to help a friend who was once like a sister?  Maybe all she needs is someone to believe in her.

Guilty BFF

Dear Guilty BFF,

You obviously care about “Jenny” and do not want to see her hurt. However, her house is not on fire. She is not hanging from a cliff yelling for help. She is living her life, such as it is.  She probably does not have a nice clean kitchen where the two of you could sip tea and chat. It may be hard to make an appointment with her if she is busy getting a fix or bail or dealing with child protective services or managing her complex social life.

So if you want to see her, I suggest you drop in where she dances. It will give you a chance to see her without making an appointment. You might find, after seeing her dance, that you're not really ready to call her or see her privately. It will give you a chance to feel what it's like to be in her world, without making yourself known.  You might not like the environment. But it will help you understand what her life is like.

Her dancing may well be the high point of her life. To you, it may seem like a pretty disgusting way to live. But this is a life your friend has chosen. It's not a prison in which she is being held against her will.  Chances are she is not looking out at all the shiny, clean people going about their orderly lives and wishing her life could change.