I’m a 61-year-old woman, mom, and grandma who is very family oriented.  My son and his wife had a baby girl, my granddaughter, who is the apple of my eye.  When they got a house they begged me to come and live with them.  I said yes, and I was very happy to take care of my granddaughter.  I was told I would only be asked to care for her occasionally, but circumstances have changed, and the honeymoon is over.

My son’s wife basically orchestrated a whole scene to drive my son out of the house, into a doctor’s care, and he almost had to go to the hospital for a nervous breakdown when he found out she has been cheating on him.  So here I am, in the house with this woman, caring for and actually raising my granddaughter, who I love very much.  Her mom is busy bed-hopping or on the Internet looking up guys.  I am also in charge of keeping the entire house clean, which isn’t easy because this woman believes garbage belongs everywhere.  She also has a very foul and abusive mouth, which she uses on me. 

As I write this, I haven’t seen my granddaughter’s mom in a week.  This is not unusual.  When she gets back she’ll spend an hour or two with her daughter, then put her to bed.  She never spends good time with her, and she isn’t a good mom.

Please give me your opinion on this, and what you think I should do.  Thank you.

Grandma

Dear Grandma,

My heart goes out to you and your granddaughter.  You are the stable influence in your granddaughter’s life, and seem to be willing to take responsibility for her welfare.  Good for you.  It seems to me the ideal situation would be for you and your son to find a place to live with the little girl.  Is this at all possible?  Do either of you have enough money to buy a small house or rent an apartment?  Is he working?  In whose name is the house where you are living?  It is worth some money, obviously.

I assume a divorce is imminent.  After the dust settles, help your son take stock of the money situation and go from there.  Enlist someone to help you work through this – perhaps your clergyman or another trusted professional.  If the mother has little interest in her daughter, she may be willing to give her up.  If not, maybe you and your son can squeeze Mom out of the picture due to her neglect.  You may need to do legal battle to get your granddaughter out of her unfortunate present situation and into a place where she feels wanted and loved, and can thrive.  You, too, will be happier.

Contact the Black Hawk County Department of Human Services at 319-202-2441.  Tell them the situation, see what they recommend.  If you need financial aid to help the child, let them know.  They should be able to hook you up with the assistance you need.  Get your son onboard – after all, she’s his daughter.  Best to the three of you!