Fed Up

I have been 15-20 pounds overweight for years, and while I’m not happy about it, after trying diet after unsuccessful diet, I have come to terms with the possibility that I may always be larger than I would like. People tell me I am pretty, and I have had my share of dates and a couple of fairly serious relationships, though I’m happily unattached right now, so I’m pretty much ok with my life and who I am.

The problem is my mother. She and I are close, and I am grateful for that. But she is very unhappy about my weight, and never fails to bring it up whenever we have a phone conversation. She asks if I went to the gym that day, or what did I eat during the day, or have I tried such-and-so diet. Her need to make me thinner is driving me bonkers. If we are together in a food environment, she’ll stop me if I reach for something to eat by putting her hand on my arm and saying, “You don’t really need that.”

She wants me to weigh myself every day, and frequently asks for the results. If I lose a pound or two, she praises me and tells me she is so proud of me and just knows I can continue losing. If I, heaven forbid, gain a pound or two, she starts in again with the diet and exercise pep talks. I realize she thinks she has my best interests in mind. But what she doesn’t realize is how much it hurts to feel my own mother’s disapproval over an issue that strikes me as superficial. It is not that she is worried about my health. She wants me to be slim and beautiful like she is.

She even tried bribing me to lose weight when she could tell the lectures were not getting the desired results. I am so sick of all this. I have told her this must become a non-issue between us, but she just says, “You will feel so much better about yourself”, or “I only want what is best for you, you are so beautiful otherwise.”

Aside from this issue, Mom and I get along great. But I dread spending time with her or when I see it is her calling on the cell phone. She has a real fixation, and I need for it to stop. Have you any suggestions for how I can make that happen without alienating her?

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

Tell her you refuse to talk to her about this subject, because it makes you feel unhappy and pressured. Then back up your refusal by not talking about it, even if you have to leave the room or hang up the phone with, “Mom, I’m hanging up now.” If she physically touches you to keep you from reaching for food, remove her hand from your arm, and quietly but firmly say, “Mom, that’s enough. I love you too much to let you continue to undermine our relationship.” Assure her you love to spend time with her until she begins haranguing you about your weight.