Excluded

My family is dysfunctional, with almost everyone at odds with each other. For Christmas dinner, I’ll most likely end up at the casino with my dad and 13-year-old son. Mom and Dad are divorced, and she lives in another state. My sister and I get along well, but she and Dad don’t, so she will not be coming. My boyfriend of two years, Mike, will be spending the Christmas weekend out of town with his mom and other family members.

I’d like to meet Mike’s mom, but she doesn’t want to meet me. He tells me she has a problem with my being a divorced, single mom. I mentioned to him my depressing holiday situation, but he didn’t offer to do anything to change it. I was hoping he would offer to talk to his mom about inviting me and my son. But he didn’t say anything about it, nor did he offer to stay home with me.

He says he want to marry me, but I’m having a hard time believing it when he won’t even stand up for me, and invite me to a family function. How can I spend a lifetime with a guy who leaves me and my son alone on a holiday?

Excluded

Dear Excluded,

Wait, did you tell him you wanted to be with him for Christmas dinner, that you want him to stand up for you even if you aren’t welcome at his mom’s? Did you speak clearly to him about wanting anything different from a casino buffet with your son and dad? Your hinting didn’t work, so why not ramp it up a little? Wilting violets can be trampled.

Also, if you think a casino buffet is depressing, why is it an option? Why not think of something you would like to do with you father and son? They are real people offering real companionship, so ask for their input. Maybe take a day trip to somewhere interesting, or invite some friends to join you and collaborate on a meal at home, maybe a potluck. Or how about going to a restaurant that you don’t equate with depression? Or go to the casino with some quarters and a let’s-have-a-great-time attitude?

You may have to accept dysfunction in your extended family, but not in your own home. When you don’t have something you want, it’s up to you to get it or create a desirable option. Why not make your own celebration on your terms, and invite your boyfriend to join you? If he says no and cites his mom’s gathering as the reason - and doesn’t invite you and your son and, by the way, how about your father – then bring to him the question of reconciling the exclusion of you and your loved ones with his talk of marriage.

You can’t complain about his non-response if you don’t ask him to respond. And if you don’t like his response, tell him so. Then make other plans. Think creatively, explore the options you can control, invest yourself in enjoying what you do have. If you plan a joyous celebration, Mike will be more likely to blow off his judgmental mother to attend.