Empty

I'm so tired of everything. I just wish I had someone that loved me enough to just take me over for a while. Someone that would just hug me and tell me I'm OK, that I am a person. Anyone that wouldn't cringe at the real me. Someone who would see that side, say so what? and love me anyway. I just want someone to SEE ME. I'm invisible. Please ... help me.

I'm dying inside and either no one knows, or no one cares. I have scars on my arms and shoulders. I want to cut myself, deep, and watch all my misery spill out of me for just a little while. For once, I would like to sleep, and actually wake feeling refreshed, and new. I wake and feel like I haven't slept at all. At least when I'm awake my imagination offers some relief. When I sleep, there's nothing, just darkness. Someone, please, tell me what is the point in all of this? All I feel is emptiness and darkness. I smile, and I feel the muscles in my face moving ... but no emotion. Even when I cry, I only feel the tears running down my cheeks, but no relief.

I just want someone to love me and give me some peace. Someone that can take away this emptiness. It's beyond pain. The only way I feel anything at all are through the characters I play in plays, and then it’s not me. If you were wondering, I'm turning 18 in a few weeks. My parents think I'm the perfect daughter, and to find out otherwise, would kill them. I have stopped cutting myself, but it's just so tempting. And I still want to, I just don't.

Empty

Dear Empty,

Wait, let’s recognize and applaud what you've accomplished - you're not cutting any more, and that's great, truly. I'm afraid, though, that if you keep fixating on a magic "someone" who will understand the real you, you'll sink back into the emptiness and frustration deeply enough to undo that accomplishment. There is no magic “someone”. Good news is, there are more someones than you can count, and they are ready to understand and love you unconditionally.

Your parents, for example - you say it "would kill them" to find out you were someone other than the perfect daughter, but I'll argue that it would kill them to find out you were holding back your real feelings for fear of upsetting them. They WANT to know you. They're your parents. Let them in. Whether that's something you're prepared to do now or something you need help approaching, please, please talk to an adult you trust, or even better, a trained counselor, at your school, church, wherever you have the easiest access.

Sometimes having a creative outlet really helps to relieve stress. You are in plays, that is a good activity. You might consider keeping a journal, you are a good writer. Also, stress is never just a mind thing, so consider a physical release with an emotional outlet to it, like yoga. Another thought: if you want someone to hug you, hug someone else who needs it. Volunteer at a hospital or abused woman’s shelter. Helping others in need might help you to help yourself.

You're not alone in having these feelings, you're just isolated with them and so it seems to you like you're alone. Tap the same willpower that you used to stop cutting and use it to start talking.