Domestic Violence

We’ve been getting letters on spousal abuse lately, and it is apparently such a pervasive problem that here we go again, addressing the issue. The latest letter was from a woman who said her abusive husband puts her down in public and isolates her from her friends. Abuse is suffered by men and women in heterosexual, gay, and lesbian relationships, but 85-90% of sufferers are women in relationships with men. Here are signs of abuse listed in the Domestic Violence Handbook to be found at www.peaceathome.org. Just adjust the pronoun “her” to “him” if applicable.

INTIMIDATION AND VIOLENCE

Resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
Holds her down, restrains her from leaving a room, pushes or shoves.
Uses threats and intimidations as instruments of control or abuse. This includes threats to harm physically, to defame, to embarrass, to restrict freedom, to disclose secrets, to cut off support, to abandon, to kidnap children, and to commit suicide.

VERBALLY ABUSIVE

Says things that are meant to cruel and hurtful
Degrades her, curses her, or minimizes her accomplishments.
May wake her up to yell at her or not let her go sleep by yelling at her.

MINIMIZES ABUSE

Redefines a violent incident, for example, by saying, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “I didn’t hit her that hard, she bruises easily.”
Accuses her exaggerating or of being crazy.

SUBSTANCE ABUSE

Cites alcohol or drug abuse as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct … (“That was the booze talking, not me; I got so drunk I was crazy.”)
Forces her to use drugs or alcohol.

BREAKS OR STRIKES THINGS IN ANGER

Beats on tables with a fist, throws objects around or near her.
Uses symbolic violence (tearing a wedding photo or marring a face in a photo).

HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

Has battered in prior relationships
Has previous law enforcement encounters for behavioral offenses (threats, stalking, assault, battery).

PROJECTS BLAME

Refuses to take responsibility for his actions.
Often blames other ethnic groups, co-workers, or women in general for his problems.
Says things like, “You make me so mad”.

So why do victims choose to stay in an abusive relationship? Perhaps we should be asking, why do some men choose to be abusive? In the next issue of the Saver we will discuss those issues, and list more signs that indicate a violent relationship.