Dateless

I am a 21-year-old college student who has never been on a “date”. I have been in a fairly serious relationship that lasted a couple years; we started as friends, and then realized we had deeper feelings for each other, until we didn’t. My point is I have no interest in “dating”. It seems kind of phony to me to get involved in casual, nonexclusive activities with people I don’t really know. I mean, like going to bars to pick someone up who may of may not turn into a boyfriend, or making small talk over dinner with a stranger. All that strikes me as a waste of time.

In fact, the whole idea of meeting someone for the purpose of sizing them up as a breeding partner (essentially) is a turn-off to me. I’d rather get to know a human being than a potential mate, and do fun things rather than troll for boyfriends.

My current system is to do what I want, make friends while doing what I want, and then, if I develop feelings for one of those friends, great. But my emphasis is not on hoping those feelings develop. The emphasis is in spending my time doing what I want when I’m not in class or studying. Frankly, I’m bewildered by our society’s obsession with dating rituals.

I already know this system works for me now. What do you think – is it a system that will serve me well in the real world, after I graduate? Or am I a freak for thinking I probably never will be interested in spending time actively looking for a boyfriend?

Dateless

Dear Dateless,

You are not a freak, you are a level-headed lady who has her priorities straight, her head screwed on right, and who displays an impressive amount of self-confidence and self-reliance. And to answer your question, this surely will serve you well in the “real world”.

In fact, I have a friend who has recently come to your way of thinking. I showed your letter to him because he used to have exactly the opposite way of thinking: he has been through tons of dates and dating schemes, including trying to find a match via a number of online dating sites. He even tried speed dating.

He told me, “I was going broke and getting no where (and no one, for that matter). Finally, I decided to just be: enjoy my job, my friends and family, my biking, and all the other things that make life rosy. I was so much happier when I relaxed. And now I am dating a friend that I’ve known for 20 years. This is not a fairy tale romance, it’s the real deal, and where it goes from here is not important. She’s just the icing on the cake.”

So, continue to do what feels right, and you will either find someone who feels right or you won’t find someone who feels wrong, and both seem like pretty good bets to me.