Conflicted

I'm very close to my mom who lives a few states away. She has a habit, though, that drives me crazy. Whenever I have a work-related trip that takes me out of Iowa, she is already planning a vacation ... in my hotel room. I've had to talk her out of coming to San Diego, Boston and Las Vegas with me. How embarrassing for a 27-year-old professional to have her mom tagging along to a conference.

I suppose I could quit telling about her every time I’m going out of town. But, as I mentioned, we’re close, and we talk every week, so it seems abnormal not to mention my upcoming trip to Boise. And it would be a shame, I think, to deal with the problem by cutting off the information supply line to Mom. That just wouldn’t feel right, and I would miss her input in my life.

However, the pattern continues: I booked a week with 8 friends at a Mexican resort over Labor Day. She called me yesterday and asked if it was okay if she, my brother and dad also booked a condo at the same resort. I said it wasn't okay and now she is hurt, and I feel bad. At the same time, I don't want to feel like every time I go out of town I have to ask her if she wants to go. How can I draw a line in the sand without hurting her feelings all the time?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

You can't. Given that her expectations are completely unreasonable - you said it yourself, you're a 27-year-old professional who has her mom wanting to tag along to your conferences, or a trip with friends - she is the one responsible for her own hurt feelings.

Your job is to set limits and stick to them. You have been saying no to her, which is the right thing to do when you don't want her to join you, but I think you need to give her the bigger picture, that by inviting herself to things she's putting you in an awkward spot, forcing you to say no to her. Say all the other stuff, too - that you love her and enjoy her company and whatever else applies, but that you need and want to do some things on your own. Say that when you want her to join you you'll invite her. Once you've gotten that established, then you can say, when she invites herself again, just, "Mom, please." Then change the subject.

I also think it would be cool if you did invite her to a conference once a year or so. It might be nice for you not to have to eat breakfast or dinner alone on a business trip. Just be sure your mom is content to entertain herself during the time you have to work. I don’t think it's at all embarrassing to have a parent along - just to have a parent along Every Time.

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine whose grandfather wanted to come to a presentation he was giving at an academic conference, so my friend told him the time and place. He sat and nodded through his grandson’s talk although he was too deaf to hear it. When my friend sat down, Grandpa came up and said in what he thought was a discreet voice, "You were so much better than those other idiots!" Apparently it was audible to half the room. My friend was embarrassed, but I see the story as a good instance of combining relatives and business!