Conflicted

When I was in the agony of dealing with a very difficult and emotional divorce three years ago, my sister was my staunchest supporter and comforter. She and I decided that when my divorce was final, we would travel around Europe together for two months. But then the financial markets went sour, and that option had to be put on hold.

Now, I am feeling much stronger; in fact, I have a man in my life. But my sister still wants to tour Europe, and expects that I feel the same. I haven’t the heart to tell her that I would like to go, but I don’t want to be away from my new beau for that long.

I love her and don’t want to hurt her, but then was then and now is now, and my life is entirely different. What are my obligations here?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

You can tell your sister that you’re stronger now and no longer feel the need to escape and heal with her help. Or you can say you are looking forward to the trip, and your new love will have to wait a while. Those are your options. But, what are your obligations?

You know, as long as she was providing you with soul-saving services, you were all about traveling with her. But now that you don’t really need that nurturing and escape, you have lost interest in going, and don’t have the courage to come clean with her.

It could be that your sister’s emotional state has changed within the past few years, and now she needs YOUR support. She may even have needed it while you were going through your divorce, but kept it to herself so she would not burden you with her problems. Or maybe she was, and still is, just really exciting about traveling with you.

Whatever the current circumstance are, you owe her the trip. And you need to be wholeheartedly excited about going. Your reasons may not be the same as they were, but here are some good reasons to go: Do it because she came through for you. Do it to experience the wonders of Europe. Do it to miss this man, and get some perspective on him (while keeping in touch with him every few days), and to anticipate returning to him.

Do it for your own self-respect. You don’t want to be the person who has time for your sister only when you need her. If your guy is really worthy of your devotion, he’ll realize why you are going, and the importance of it, and he will encourage you to go.

Of course, if money is still a problem, that alters things a bit. You may have to shorten the trip to fit your pocketbook. You may have to stay at cheaper hotels. But it is important that you keep the spirit of your trip intact. You owe it to yourself and your sister. Create some great memories with her before you create them with your new man.