Cautious

Is it normal to be really worried about giving up life as you know it in order to have children? I'm in my early 30s, and my husband and I will start trying to conceive soon. I know that I want children, but is it wrong that I worry that I'll lose myself in the process? I find myself focusing a lot on all the stories of how hard it is, especially the first few months. And my friends who are also getting ready to start families are, for the most part, nothing but happy happy joy joy, so I feel guilty. Am I being realistic or is this a sign I should rethink motherhood?

Cautious

Dear Cautious,

Depending on the degree, both. You will be giving things up, so it's realistic and responsible and smart to be asking whether you're really ready to do that, and whether the idea of children will ever be compelling enough for you to want to give some things up.

I think a couple of things you are worried about are not as difficult as you fear. The first few months are hard, but kids are a lifetime - what's a little pandemonium here and there? Plus, the pandemonium is over advertised. If you're fortunate enough to escape post-partum depression, bringing home a little person is mind-blowingly cool. The happy happy joy joy isn't just for people who were Completely Sure going in. It's an incredibly stirring time. I imagine evolution has more than a little something to do with parents’ immediate and amazing feelings of love and fierce commitment to their new baby.

And, regarding losing yourself, if you've got enough of a sense of yourself to be worried about that, you'll come out okay. Parents should not lose themselves in their kids’ lives.

So, that leaves other, specific elements of your life that'll change. You will lose much of your spontaneity, a fair amount of your freedom and a large quantity of sleep. Some of these you get back, some you don't. If your greatest joy in life is deciding at 4:45 pm on Friday that it's time for a road trip, maybe you need to rethink. If the appeal of that life has been fading and your energy's naturally been drifting toward home, go for it.

Some kids are very difficult, but most kids aren't, and parents still have plenty of time to go out, enjoy friends, maintain the house and yard, whatever. Most people would take very much issue with the idea that their kids have made their lives more difficult or more stressful. None of which should be construed as an argument for anyone to have kids who doesn't want to, but if you're worried about newborn inconveniences, I can personally attest that it is 180 degrees from a wretched, sleep-deprived, miserable existence. Watching a baby grow into a toddler, then a pre-schooler, etc. – what a trip!

Just be sure you are not considering kids because "that's what you do next," and you are following the script. Be sure you are considering kids because you both really want them and feel that the family you have created with your husband should include children.