My elderly parents are not in the best of health.  Mom has colon cancer, and Dad has heart problems.  They are not the kind of people who are comfortable talking about personal topics, especially money.  But I need to have discussions with them regarding end-of life planning, much as I dread bringing it up.  How can I start the conversation?  What specifically should I be asking?  I don’t want to miss anything.  Can you help?

Caring daughter

Dear Caring,

You are wise to initiate this series of conversations, and soon.  You do not want to put it off until an emergency occurs, as then it might be too late.  Make sure your parents have time to talk, and you have time to listen.  Don’t start an important conversation when they are distracted by needing to get to an appointment, or their favorite TV show is about to come on, or you need to leave in the next 5 minutes.  You will need time and patience.

You can open the door by tying the topic to direct experience: “I just finished working with my lawyer on updating my will, and I was wondering when was the last time you took a look at yours?”  Do not start the conversation out of exasperation or anger.   

You need to know what assets your parents have, and where they keep all the important papers related to their portfolio: properties, stocks, etc.  Are they in a lawyer’s office or in the freezer under the pork chops?  These papers include:

•  Wills
•  Death Certificates
• Power of Attorney
• Advanced Directive, Health Care Proxy or Living Will
• List of bank accounts, credit cards, numbers and locations
• Health and medical insurance information
• Originals of Social Security, Medicare, managed care, dental cards
• Life insurance policies
• Tax returns
• Name of doctor, lawyer, accountant

The most important of these is to have them sign a power of attorney form so that access to their assets will be granted should they become incapacitated.

You will also want to ask them how they want to handle future medical situations.  What if they need extended care?  How about funeral/burial/cremation, etc. preferences?