Betwixt and Between

I have sort of a convoluted problem I’m hoping you can help with. “Ben” and I were together for three years, and I thought everything was fine until recently, when he broke up with me and took up with “Jessica”. The problem is, Ben and I belonged to a very close-knit group of singles ever since high school. Ben is now substituting Jessica for me in our group, which means I can’t be included any more. It’s not that anyone is leaving me out, but I certainly am not comfortable with the thought of watching the two of them together, so I don’t get together with the group any more. I am still hurting from the break-up. It’s hard enough to lose my guy, now I am afraid of losing my friends as well. By the way, most of them have been sweet enough to call and meet up with me separately from the rest of the group, so they’ve been great, but how long will that last?

To add insult to injury, I’ve heard that Ben and Jessica are planning their wedding (already!) and they intend to invite me! The wedding is in October. I don’t think I will be healed enough at that time to attend, though I hate to miss out on the opportunity to hang with all my friends again. Ben knows I don’t want to watch him marry another woman, and he is irritated with me – he thinks we should all just “be friends” again.

Here’s another problem. I really don’t want to be a jerk about all this; he can’t help the way he feels, and I honestly want him to be happy, even if that excludes me. So, I know that an invitation doesn’t mean I have to get them a gift, but the truth is, I want to get them something, even though I probably won’t be going to the wedding. Does this strike you as odd? I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or feel guilty.

Betwixt and Between

Dear Betwixt,

It does strike me as a trifle odd, but any time you want to give a gift, you should give a gift. I don’t think I’d worry too much about making the prospective bride and groom feel guilty – apparently how you feel about things is not particularly important to either of them. Just be sure that you are not angrily lashing out in gift form.

For Ben to be irritated because he thinks you should be ready and willing to attend his wedding is just plain clueless. Who is he to assume when you should be ready for what?

It’s probable that once Ben is married, he will drift away from the singles group, which will solve the awkwardness problem for you. Not many tight-knit groups of singles survive the 20s and 30s – people get married, the dynamics of the group change.

When you are ready to rejoin the world, embrace it with open arms. In addition to staying in touch with your old friends, be open to making new friends. Expand your horizons. Try something totally new and challenging that you have never done before. Everyone has rough patches, but it really is a beautiful life. Make the most of it.