Betrayed

I have a girlfriend who is so much fun, she is one of my best friends out of a group of a dozen or so of us who like to do things together. We’re all female college juniors. My problem with her, let’s call her Mindy, is that she cannot keep a secret. I am not kidding, she will swear to keep something to herself, but next thing I know, someone else has heard the secret and is asking about me it!

I’ll give you two examples, even though this has happened many times than twice. I told her I am becoming very close to the brother of one of the girls in our group, and that I thought we might even be falling in love, but that she absolutely could not tell anyone else. The very next day I get a call from my “secret” boyfriend’s sister wanting to know what is going on. She was hurt we were keeping it from her, etc. Well, we had our reasons, but now it doesn’t matter because everyone in the group knows what’s going on. As a consequence, we now are living our love life in a fish bowl, and I’m not sure it will survive all the attention.

Another example: My sister is pregnant, but she is only a couple months along so she doesn’t want the news to go public quite yet. Well, Mindy noticed my sister had a little bump (she’s normally very thin), and asked if she was pregnant. I said yes, but she didn’t want anyone to know yet. Guess what? Within a few days I got a call from my sister asking if I had told anyone she was pregnant, and the only other people who knew were Mom and her husband. So I had to admit I had told Mindy, but only after she had guessed it. So now my sister is angry with me, and Mom isn’t too happy either.

What is it with Mindy? Is she trying to get me in trouble, or what?

Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

It would be nice if we could make people change to fit our expectations, but we can’t. So, since you have some instances of Mindy not being able to keep secrets, don’t tell her secrets any more. She may have problems with impulsiveness, or she may take delight in being the person with the “inside news”, or she may be trying to get you in trouble (though I doubt it). Whatever’s going on, you can control it by not feeding it any more. You can still be friends, just keep the private stuff to yourself. Problem solved.

This is an instance where we know the swamp has quicksand in it, but we wade in anyway. We are allergic to a certain food, but think this time will be different if we indulge just a little. In other words, we know what the outcome will be, but for some reason, expect it to be different this time. The problem is not so much that Mindy can’t keep her mouth shut, but that you think she can, against all reasonable expectations. We should love our friends for their good qualities, and accept their not so great qualities as part of who they are. But we don’t have to let them unnecessarily complicate our lives.