Been There

My partner died of lung cancer two months ago. Many well-meaning and loving people have said, “If there is ever anything I can do …” While I appreciate the offer, and know they are completely sincere, I don’t think any grieving person will ever call and say, “Will you please come over and mow my lawn?”, or, “If you could bring a casserole I could freeze in meal-size portions, I’d sure appreciate it.” So, even though your heart is in the right place, saying “If there is ever anything I can do …” is not really helpful.

The next time you want to help when someone is mourning a loved one’s death, consider calling and saying, “I’ll be over Saturday at 11:30 to pick you up for lunch and a visit to the arboretum. If you aren’t up to it, let me know an hour before.” Or, I’ll come pick up a list of chores you need done. Please have a list ready for me. We don’t have to talk unless you want to.” Even small chores can seem insurmountable to the newly bereft.

One thing that two people actually said to me was, “Did he smoke?” Yes, he did. Should I be mourning his death less because perhaps his death was preventable? And of course, people who don’t smoke never get cancer, right? I think the reason they ask is because they want to have a “reason” why the person died, and more importantly, why it won’t happen to them. Those people who asked were thinking of themselves, not my partner or me. Otherwise, they would realize that their question is intrusive and rude.

On a related note, when my niece lost her newborn son due to extensive birth defects, two unhelpful things she heard were, “It was nature’s way”, and “Well, at least you didn’t get to know the baby and bond with him.” The best and kindest thing she heard was, “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.” Simple and sincere.

With all that off my chest, I want to let your readers know that I was amazed at the number of people who showed up at my partner’s memorial service – neighbors, coworkers from his workplace and mine, friends with whom we shared hobbies and common interests – all there just because they cared. I have no recollection of what most of them said, but I will never forget that they were there, in honor of my partner and in support of me. That’s all anyone has to do: just be there. Even if you don’t say anything, the bereaved will be comforted by your presence. Thanks for letting me vent here. My intent is to help others by providing some guidelines of what to say and do when they feel awkward in comforting someone.

Been There

Dear Been There,

Thank you for being generous enough to take the time to help others while grieving your lost loved one. You have been frank, and your forthrightness is sure to help all of us who at some time will find ourselves in the position of wondering how we can best show our concern. I am sorry for your loss.