At the Breaking Up Point

I don’t know how I found myself in this position, but I am living with a man I no longer love. He’s a good, kind, sweet man, and I don’t want to hurt him, but we really don’t have much in common. I am more ambitious than he, we have different goals for the future, we don’t value money the same way, and we actually have an entirely different world view. I am becoming impatient with him just for being himself - not fair to him.

We live together in my apartment, which I pay for, though he contributes what he can from his low-paying job. I know he loves me, and will be blind-sided when I ask him to move out, but that is what I need to do. Of course, this did not just occur to me, but started out as some nagging doubts that have blossomed into “I cannot pretend this is a good relationship any more, because, for me, it is stifling”.

My question is, how can I break up with him with the least amount of pain inflicted?

Dear Breaking Up,

There will be pain inflicted, it is unavoidable. The first thing for you to do personally is to take responsibility for the fact that your decision may be the best thing for you, but it may not be the best thing for him. Don’t pretend otherwise, either to him or to yourself.

Sit down with him as soon as possible, and tell him he’s a wonderful person, but you just aren’t wonderful together any more – different ambitions, ideas about money, the future, etc. Talk about his concerns, and answer his questions kindly but truthfully. Don’t try sugar-coating it by saying he’d be better off with someone else, or that you’re doing him a favor. It may NOT be in his best interest, or even fair to him, at least in the short term.

Work out with him a date when he will move out – he’ll need to find another place, obviously. Be prepared for the time after your talk and before he leaves to be awkward at best. He may be angry; he certainly will feel rejected. You will need to be your kindest, most understanding self. After all, this is a man you were serious enough about at one point to want to live with, and he deserves to be treated with respect.

If it’s at all possible for you to be gone during that transition period – perhaps stay with a friend or relative, it might be best for both of you. But do be accessible to him, to help him prepare to leave, to discuss whatever is on his mind, to help him move his stuff if he will accept the help. Just don’t let things drag on and on. Once you have both agreed on a date for him to leave, also agree to stick to it. Dragging things out will benefit no one, and may give him false hope of reconciliation.

In all your conversations and actions with this man, afford him the dignity you would want someone to afford you if the tables were turned. Be frank, but civil and decent.