Annoyed

I am Asian American with an unusual first name, and am often asked where I am from (correct answer: the U.S.). Sometimes, people try to guess my ethnic background, but I am from an ethnic group that is not well-known. The question, “Where are you from?,” is usually asked within the first minute of meeting me. I have tried:

1. Dismissing the question altogether by ignoring it. Then the questioner usually repeats it, apparently suspecting I don’t understand English that well.

2. Sticking to my answer, “I am from here,” despite the repetition of the question.

3. Asking, “Do you mean what is my cultural background?” to clarify the question.

4. Answering it by telling them my ancestry, which usually causes the following to occur:

( a) A string of puzzled questions (as if they just discovered a new breed of frog);

(b) Reporting of the person’s previous encounter with someone of my kind (as if I would know who it was);

(c) Disappointment that their guess was wrong and then ignoring me thereafter.

I feel this is a personal question that is inappropriate for a stranger to ask upon the first meeting. People don’t ask someone’s age, income, sexual preference and/or religious background when meeting them for the first time. I understand the curiosity, and I am happy to share my cultural/ethnic background after becoming friends. Any thoughts?

Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

You might try to find a phrase that deflects people gently. “It’s a long story (smile)” should work. It’s true, apparently; and a way of saying “None of your business”.

Another suggestion is to put down your dukes. Your frustration is well-founded; just about anyone visibly interesting, for whatever reason, becomes frustrated with people who ask the same question everyone else has asked every time you’ve appeared in public.

Granted, it is snoopy and impolite. But, the question is new for each person who asks it. So, as entitled as you are to your anger, no one person caused it - meaning it’s not fair to make any one person pay for your accumulated annoyance. Keep in mind that one of the traits that defines us as humans is our intense curiosity about each other.

It is fair, however, to think highly of those who don’t grill you. You have a built-in filter to detect the clueless. That’s a valuable tool when you meet someone for the first time.