Puzzled

I'm a college student, and I've been with my girlfriend for a year (it's my first real relationship). We've had ups and downs, but I've been really happy overall. Lately, though, things have started to bother me that never really did before.

For instance, I do well in academics, but she doesn't enjoy her classes. I try to help her out by proofreading papers and quizzing her before tests, but lately she's been asking for some form of help several times a week. When I talk to her about depending on me less and maybe checking out some campus resources that might help her with work, she gets defensive about her intelligence (she seems to think tutoring is an admission of stupidity) or just gets upset and says "Fine, I won't ask you about anything again."

This will probably sound terrible, but I'm starting to resent the fact that she gets so stressed out and complains about every little thing she has to do. I know everyone needs to vent, but everything "sucks" for her lately. She never seems to learn anything interesting or look forward to anything; she even complains about her extra-curricular activities. When I ask what's wrong, she just says she's stressed and doesn't like what she's doing, but that it's "just how it is."

Up until a month ago, I was head over heels for this girl, and I still really love her. I want to make things work, but I can't stand how flat everything has become, and I can't wait forever for things to improve because I find myself resenting the situation more and more. Can I save this relationship, or is the fact that I feel resentment right now pretty much a doomer?

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

Salvage or doom depends on the outcome of the conversation you're about to have with her to explain that you feel exhausted and resentful of how negative she's become.

Lest you feel like a jerk for kicking her when she's down: The way they deal with stress is one of the most important things you can learn about the people you date. Because you care about her, you should talk to her to give her a chance to see what you see; maybe she is honestly not aware of her own negativity; maybe she'll recognize it and do something about it. But if she reacts by snapping at you harder, then you have an answer you can leave on.

Now, there’s a possibility she's depressed. But, even if true, it still doesn't explain away stuff like, "she just gets upset and says 'Fine, I won't ask you about anything again.'" There is at minimum some serious immaturity in the mix, and so if you decide you’re not keen on subjecting yourself to that kind of attitude, you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that you can "save" her from her negativity. It's up to her - and if her constant negativity is bringing you down, you have to consider if sacrificing yourself is worth it - it probably won't make her happy anyway. Some people like to wallow in their misery, hard as it is to believe. Their toxicity can affect others, so beware and protect yourself.