Dear Miss SmartyPants,

I have finally learned that wanting things to work between my ex and I did not make it so.  So six months ago I finally ended a five-year relationship that was making me miserable.  A huge weight was lifted from me, and I have felt great since then!   

My ex did not take it well.  We’ve kept in contact as friends (his choice, I thought time apart would help), and he has declared his desire to try again.  He’s taking responsibility and making real changes to deal with what led to our problems (cheating and emotional abuse).  I can see he’s working really hard, and I do see results.  So, how do I go about deciding about trying again?  How do I figure out what’s fair to both of us?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Great, he’s “working really hard” on himself.

That confers absolutely zero obligation on you to reward him with your trust or time or heart ever again.  He can bestow the fruits of his hard emotional work on someone else, when he’s really ready, which, excuse me, I highly doubt he is after six months.

If that’s not a good enough argument, try this one: If he were truly taking responsibility, then he’d recognize that he owes you freedom to find the happiness you deserve with someone who deserves you.  “Trying again” is all about what he wants.  Sound familiar?

What’s fair to you is what you’re doing – enjoying your hard-earned happiness.  What’s fair to him is quite minimal: you owe him civility.  So, you can quite civilly say you’re happy to hear of his progress, and you can wish him happiness in his future endeavors. As in “Have a nice life.”

A decent human being rectifies his life and changes behavior because it’s the right thing to do, not because he thinks it will win him back an abused partner.

We can’t know for sure what is motivating your ex to want to try again.  Maybe he wants to regain his control over you, or maybe he wants you back as the comfy place where he was for five years.  Even if he sees it as true love, squandered by his own bad choices, and he really is sincere about wanting you back as a partner (a formerly abused partner, may I remind you), so what?

The important thing is, you were miserable with him, and now you feel great.  Stay with what you know for sure makes you feel good.  Then, if you get to the point where you want another man in your life again, you will be free to share a healthy you in a rewarding new relationship.  In any case, your ex’s “I’m all better now, let’s get back together” doesn’t cut it.  You are clearly the one who is all better.  Without him.