Dear Miss SmartyPants,

I’m not sure what to think about my husband texting a woman he works with.  A friend of the woman is a friend of my sister; that is how I found out.  When I asked my husband about it, and told him I didn’t think it he should be doing that, he told me I was being foolish, that they just joked about stuff at the office and it didn’t mean anything.  He said a man and a woman can be friends, and that’s all he and this woman are.  He also said he wouldn’t care if I wanted to text other guys.

I do not think I am up-tight, and I also don’t think I am foolish.  I am not interested in texting other guys, and besides, I don’t think two wrongs make a right.  So, am I making too big a thing of this?

My husband’s wife

Dear wife,

Whether you are making too big a thing of this depends on which of two possibilities is the real situation.  The first possibility is that your husband is, indeed, inappropriately interested in this woman.  Joking around can be a form of flirting, but not necessarily so.  Flirting can lead to trouble – it’s an old story – but it might not.  The second possibility is that you are jealous of your husband interacting with another woman on any level, and hubby is getting fed up with your unfounded suspicions.

To champion your husband’s side, bantering with a co-worker about office goings-on, whether with a man or a woman, is quite common and harmless.  Texting is a means of communication – of itself, nothing more or less.  He may be calling you foolish because he is tired of defending himself from your accusations of inappropriate behavior while he is being completely true to you.

To champion your side, even if his intentions are innocent, he should not try to make you the one to blame by calling you foolish.  That is not a kind or productive thing to do.  And often when people have something to hide, they try to shift the blame to the accuser.

I don’t know which is the truth, but here is my advice: Instead of concentrating on his texting behavior, take an honest look at your marriage.  If he is a loving, considerate husband who is there when you need him (and when you want him), then that’s what you need to concentrate on.  Don’t get so hung up on this texting thing that you lose sight of the whole picture, if it is otherwise a pleasant picture.

If he is not a loving, caring husband, perhaps the texting is a sign of trouble.  But just one sign – surely not the only one.  You will need to figure out if the marriage is as fun, committed, and focused as I assume it once was.  If the answer is that it is not, then the real question becomes what needs to be done to become re-engaged with each other.  Your approach needs to be loving, not accusatory, as you both examine your marriage.