Dear Miss SmartyPants,

My mother is 82 and living in an assisted living facility.  It’s a lovely place, clean and bright with a wonderful, caring staff.  Mom has dementia, and it is sad to watch her try to cover up and pretend her knick-knacks and photo books still mean something to her.  She was an incredible woman who lived through the Great Depression, managed a home, survived breast cancer, and lost my father to a heart attack.  When she first went into the facility she loved to sit at the piano and play and sing as she had always done.  But eventually she lost interest, and I think she gradually forgot how to play.  She stopped caring about how she looked – she had always been beautifully groomed, but she started wearing the same old yellow dress every day, and not fixing her hair.  

Then she met Joe.  What a difference came over her!  Joe was 95, also had dementia, but when he and Mom met, it was love for both of them.  They would sit together in the common rooms, and take their meals together.  He would wait outside her room like a young suitor waiting for his date while she primped and got ready for their evenings together in front of the TV or just watching the fish in the aquarium and talking. 

When Joe’s son Bob found out about the romance, he disapproved.  He thought it was ridiculous, and when he saw his dad and my mom kissing, he told the staff in no uncertain terms that he wanted the two of them separated.  Everyone at the home was happy for Mom and Joe, as was I.  But Bob eventually moved his father to another place without giving Mom a chance to say good-bye.  I suspect he feared for his inheritance, but Mom was certainly not a threat in that department.  It had a terrible impact on Mom.  She stayed in her room for days, crying and waiting for Joe.  She stopped eating, and became weak and dehydrated, in spite of the staff’s best efforts to feed her.  She is now back to wearing the ratty yellow dress, though she eats enough that her physical health is no longer in danger.  She has none of the spark she had when Joe was around

When I talked with the manager of the assisted living facility she told me in all her years of working with the elderly, this was her worst professional experience, and she was left feeling like she had failed her patients for the first time.  But it was not her fault.

I am writing, not with a question, but to share Mom’s story in the hopes that other children will not do what Bob did, whether through prudery, greed, or possessiveness.  

Heartbroken for Mom           

Dear Heartbroken,

Romances in facilities for the elderly are not all that uncommon, and it is wonderful when two people get a chance at love later in life.  Just because a person is older is no reason why they need to be lonely.  Apparently the staff at your Mom’s facility understood that and applauded it, as you did.  I am sorry it worked out the way it did.  I share your hope that children, and less understanding facility staff, learn from your story.  What a shame.