Dear Miss SmartyPants,

I’m taking my 2-year-old twin daughters to Florida to visit my parents, who are always thrilled to see them, and frankly, spoil them.  The spoiling I can live with.  But Mom is not an equal opportunity spoiler.  She constantly showers more attention on Tara than Tina.  She plays more with her in the pool, talks more to her, hugs and kisses her more often, and it breaks my heart for my other daughter. 

I want to nip this in the bud before the girls get old enough to notice, but I’m afraid that if I talk to Mom, she will get all defensive and hurt, and start crying and bemoaning what a terrible grandmother she must be for me to criticize her.  She’ll try to make me feel guilty for being such an ungrateful daughter, and the whole scene will not do anything to change her behavior.  Believe me, she has reacted this way to even a slight suggestion, so pointing out her favoritism will not be well received.  Can you help?

Concerned Mom

Dear Mom,

Not as much as either of us would like.  We’re not talking about merely prompting a loving, caring Grandma toward fairness.  It sounds like your mother has deep-seated insecurities, but does not recognize that fact, let alone attempt to deal with them.  She also no doubt needs to be seen as lovable.  Thus the spoiling and dramatic defensiveness.    She’s buying love, and throwing up barriers to criticism. 

By turning even mildly negative feedback into a huge offense, your mom stifles dissent.  She will be indulged, or you will be punished.  It’s a powerful play.  So is spoiling and indulging Tara over Tina.

The girls are not too young to notice the special treatment toward one of them.  Tara will cling to her because Grandma means attention beyond what others receive.  But Tina will cling to her even more, because she will understandably try to get what she is being denied.  She will see the attention, see that she doesn’t get it, and want it.  Grandma wields a lot of power here, and has manipulated your daughters to make herself the center of attention.  She is also manipulating you.  She might, indeed, respond to any criticism by focusing even more on Tara, and shunning Tina altogether.

My best advice is to run this situation by a family therapist.  Depending on what the therapist says, you may need to enlist some help from your father, and try to get your mom to become aware, with the therapist’s help, of what she is doing.

In the meantime, protect your kids.: Interrupt Grandma’s sustained attention to Tara by saying, “Time for Tina to have fun with Grandma.”  Recruit Grandpa to give extra attention to Tina when necessary.  Supervise Grandma closely with each child.  Keep your visits short, so as to limit the unhealthy exposure.  Observe, buffer, tweak, repeat.