Dear Miss SmartyPants,

I've always kind of been the black sheep in my family.  I love them and want to stay on good terms with them, but I feel like I have to act like a totally different person around them.  When I am with my friends, I have a good time, I don't feel like I have to hold back, and I can be myself.  But my parents, especially, make me feel like they are watching everything I do, and comparing me unfavorably to my “perfect” older sister.

I guess I first started noticing this on Facebook.  I am “Facebook friends“ with both my family and my friends/acquaintances.  But it feels like I constantly have to monitor what I am putting up and what my friends are saying.  If I act like the “real me“ around my family, it feels like I am looked down upon by them.  They are very conservative, and I am more free-spirited and unconventional.  I never want to be as rigid as they are.     

I don't want their disapproval of me, because I know that I may need their support/advice later on in life.  So in that respect I have a good bond with them.  But I am barely 18 years old and getting ready to begin college, and I feel like I need this time to be young and adventurous!  What other time will I have to be free and explore all that is out there?  How do I be myself and live my life without shaming my family or hurting their feelings?

Black Sheep

Dear Black Sheep,

Do your own thing, but don't post everything on a semi-public forum like Facebook!

Most of us act differently in different situations.  You'll act one way with family, another way with girl friends, still another way with a boyfriend, another way at work.  Normal!  The "real you" knows how it's appropriate to act in many different situations ... and still be genuinely yourself. People have many different facets.  Your family probably suspects that the innocent they see isn't the total package.  That's okay.  Each of us is complex.

I must caution you that calling yourself free-spirited and unconventional is not license to act unkind or unwise or engage in risky activities.  As a young adult about to move out and be on your own YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for taking care of yourself.  You shouldn't be doing things that would earn your family's lasting disapproval.

You may need to tell your friends that you don't want all your escapades mentioned on Facebook.  Explain that if they will respect you, you'll respect them not revealing all to their families and other friends.  Some things should be said and done in confidence ... the entire world doesn't need to know all.  Parents needn't know all, but they ought to be able to trust you to behave in a way that reflects the values they have imparted to you. 

I hope this solves your dilemma.  Exploring is a good thing, but exploring “all that is out there” is not.  Use your common sense.  Have fun, try new things, but be safe too.